People must realize that they need to find the right time for enjoying quality time with their family and we could make sure that there will not be any best time unless the holiday time. There is no doubt that there will be kind of great need of holiday vacation for any family and of course they will need the right place where they could enjoy their time properly. Anna Maria Island Florida could be the very best option since they will find kind of great scenery as well as the water adventure which could bring them great time of course.

For getting the best experience of holiday vacation with family, people need to get the best place which could give them comfort during vacation.

The birth of a child is one of the more celebrated events during a person’s lifetime and if you have relatives or friends that are about ready to become new parents, you will likely want to share that excitement with them. Giving gifts during that time is either something that is done spur of the moment or it is done in an organized way, such as when you’re attending a baby shower. Although you do have many choices available to you when making gifts for the baby, you would do well to choose from among the many organic baby products that are available. What are these items and why can they be beneficial to both the child and to the parents as well.

Organic items are becoming more and more popular for children because they do not contain the harmful chemicals that may be included in non-organic items. An example of this is organic baby sheets, something that is going to be against the baby’s skin for many hours throughout the day. By choosing organic, you are avoiding all the pesticides and other items which may have been sprayed on the crops that were used to make the sheets. The same is also true with organic baby toys, items that are played with by children frequently and may end up in the mouth, when they are young children. By choosing items that are organic, you know that it is safe for the child and it is a great choice for everyone who is involved.

Being a child of critical parents, how much mistreatment is enough? How much wishing things will change do you do? How many second chances do you give your parents? When do you draw the line and create boundaries? When do you cut ties?

How to Deal with a Critical Parent

Understand that a parent who gives in to the desire and need to criticize a vulnerable child is on some level cruel, ignorant and completely unaware. Why else would they give in to the temptation to make their own children feel so badly about themselves? They either lack understanding as to what their words are doing, or they lack kindness. Either way, they are lacking. Every time they criticize you, tell yourself that this shows that they are the ones who are flawed, not you. Just remember that just because you’re genetically linked (or adopted by) this person, doesn’t give him / her the right to mistreat you.

How to address your critical parent can be a tricky proposition. People in general can become defensive, retreat, or run away. But when the person is your own parent, so many more dynamics come in to play. And although you may make the most honorable, loving, and concerted effort to keep the relationship afloat, your parent may not see things the same way you do. The following is a series of steps I took to approach my critical parents: 1. Do Nothing: For a long time, I did nothing. I thought that after time, the judgmental criticisms would go away when I proved myself to be worthy. I thought that after I exhibited my independence and showed how successful I was as a person, my parent would magically become this nicer, unconditionally loving, and careful parent. WRONG. Obviously, doing nothing won’t change how your critical parent treats you. So if doing nothing is the option chosen, you’ll have to accept that he / she is the one that is flawed and know that he / she will not change. I wasn’t to that stage, as I kept blaming myself. Not until I started to understand that my parent was the flawed one did I start seeing the light and coming to terms with the relationship.

2. Communicate: I tried communicating my desire for an unconditional and loving relationship with my parent and expressed how I felt when I left from a visit– dejected, empty, and sad. The result? My parent became more critical, more judgmental, and more dysfunctional.

Alice Miller encourages grown children to express anger and pain to their parents, not to punish or change, but to develop an authentic relationship. When you say no more, the word “no” is a word that never should be negotiated because the parent who chooses not to hear it is trying to control you. Declining to hear “no” is a signal that someone is either seeking to control or refusing to relinquish control.

So, if you opt to communicate your displeasure with your mistreatment, be firm with your stance and consistent with your reactions. Be honest and relate that the criticisms really hurt. Being honest like this is hard but if you want to have a relationship with your parent and not tolerate the abuse, speak your mind to try to improve the situation. Further, let the parent know that you no longer want to hear their criticisms and sharing them with you is no longer an option. And if your parent decides not to accept your feelings or your requests, realize that you own your feelings and that you have every right to feel the way you do and that every relationship has mutual respect. Be proud of yourself for standing up for yourself.

3. Set Boundaries: Setting boundaries was the next step. When I was a teenager, keeping involved in school activities and functions kept me from being at home and the recipient of the mistreatment. Once I was out on my own, I physically separated myself from my parents. For example, if you live next-door to your parents, consider moving to the other side of town. If you live in your parent’s house, consider renting an apartment or buying your own home.

I also limited calls and visits. For example, if your mother asks you to call every day, politely explain that you are only able to call once a week. Or, if your father demands weekly visits, kindly explain that you are only able to visit one weekend a month. Along with limiting calls & visits, I set boundaries on the amount of time my parents spent at my home– and dropping by unannounced was a big no-no. If violations of boundaries occur, let the parent know immediately and remind the parent of the boundaries.

In my case, the boundaries didn’t help in regard to criticisms. The criticisms coming from my parent only accelerated as time progressed. Even if I only saw my parent three times a year, I left every single visit feeling terrible. My parent would completely crush me with snide or off-hand comments, cutting comments at opportune times, and make mountains out of mole hills leaving me completely baffled as to where this treatment was coming from.

4. Separate Yourself: Now I was forced to take the next step, which was to separate myself– not a permanent estrangement or no-contact situation, but a time for reflection and review of the relationship. During this time, I politely turned-down invitations for get-togethers and avoided communications with the parent. My goal was that through keeping this space between myself and my parent, time may ease tensions and make appreciation for the other grow. My hope was that my parent would be more grateful to see me, softer with approach, and also realize errors in the way I was treated. Nope. Maybe things were a bit brighter upon the first visit after the separation, but the critical treatment quickly returned and at a greater intensity.

The single greatest power adult children have is the ability to GET AWAY. Simply talking aobut the source of danger does not make it go away. Saying, “I won’t tolerate being treated this way” and failing to leave demonstrates lack of conviction and ambivalence.

Remember some parents have a need for perfection and tend to be judgmental by nature. They see the flaws, instead of the strengths, and in every human, if you look for flaws, you will find flaws. Such parents are wired to find the glass half empty, instead of half full. This has nothing to do with you, or who you are, or what you are worth as a person. Such people rarely, if ever, change. Let go of the belief that if you tried harder you would suddenly gain their approval. You won’t.

The giver of criticism, rather than the receiver,

is usually the one who has a problem and needs to change.

5. Estrangement / No-Contact: So after decades of trying and progressive steps to try to ‘create’ a loving and compassionate parent, I decided to stop trying. First off, you can’t change anyone… but YOURSELF. Second, life is too short. Acknowledging both of these points, I made a conscious effort to surround myself with loving, approving people. I broke off all contact with my critical parent and made sure that my life was filled with people who see the good in me and who aren’t too afraid or too petty to give me the affirmation and positive feedback my soul deserves.

Sure I wish things were different. I would love to have a warm and loving relationship with my parents. Sure I wish I had parents that are accepting and supportive– but that’s not what I was given. And because I recognize and understand where my parents are coming from, I chose not to participate. I chose to be happy. I chose to have love in my life. I chose to have people in my life that see the GOOD in others.

If a person can’t see the good in others, he / she is lacking

basic qualities needed for healthy human relationships.

I am presently estranged from both of my parents, but each relationship manifested itself completely differently. What was the drawing-line in one relationship was not the same drawing-line for the other. My Dad’s relationship was progressively souring, whereas my mother’s relationship was cyclical with a distinct blow-up suddenly initiating an estrangement. In other words, my Dad & my relationship was a slow decline leading to an estrangement, and my mother & my relationship went into an estrangement abruptly.

My Mother: the suddenly critical parent

My mother has Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), and we’ve been estranged off and on in 5 year cycles for most of my life. During ‘good’ times, her BPD symptoms consisted of inappropriate social behavior, bouts of depression, impulsive behaviors (shopaholic, over-eating, hording, self-medicating), and unstable patterns of social relationships. During the 1999 – 2004 period, her dysfunctional and critical behaviors were not aimed at me, and therefore, we floated along in a relationship.

Prior to our 2004 estrangement, my mother and I were getting along very well. We visited with each other at least two times a month, I was helping her to get her house organized & cleaned, and we talked on the phone often sharing life experiences. If my mother had remained stable as describe, I could tolerate the quirks and would maintain contact. I never thought I had an authentic relationship with her, however, as I had to walk on eggshells around her regarding my Dad, my childhood, and any discussions related to either.

My estrangement with my mother started mid-way through 2004 (Little Women) when she didn’t agree with what my then fiance (now husband) and I were discussing in regard to our wedding. We didn’t have any wedding plans; in fact, we hadn’t even started doing any planning) In my opinion, the estrangement didn’t occur because she blew up about the wedding– the estrangement occurred because of:
a complete loss of trust originating from her campaign of denigration (horrible criticisms, lies, exaggerations, and manipulations) against me (Understanding the Borderline Mother: Enlisting her Allies Against Her Target of Rage) and
how she distorted and manipulated the facts of what happened.

If she simply had blown-up about the wedding and then let things cool down to where we could move on, the estrangement may not have happened AT THAT POINT. Now don’t get me wrong– the estrangement would have happened as it’s happened about every 5 years. SOMETHING would have set off her fuse and caused a blow up to which she would over-react.

And therein lies the root of the Borderline’s tragic personality– what drives the Borderline’s personality is their real or imagined fear of rejection and / or abandonment. Clearly her cycles of depression, manic, and psychotic phases of BPD are evident through her patterns of estranged relationships: myself, her father, her sister, my brother, her husbands (3), circles of friends discarded. So, with the wedding being an event where she perceived a potential abandonment, she flipped the situation to where she claims I rejected her… or as she puts it, I ‘kicked’ her ‘out’ of the wedding.

More specifically, Borderlines have such a fear of abandonment that they set-up a situation to be rejected. The BPD turns a Dr. Jekyll / Mr. Hyde, seemingly out-of-the blue, around the time that they feel threatened by rejection or abandonment. Along with a huge blow-up that is irrational and not based on reality, the BPD starts a campaign of denigration to turn friends and family against her target of rage (me in this case).

Despite how nonsensical this sounds to you the reader, this behavior is part and parcel of the BPD personality. The BPD is essentially beating the target of rage (me) to the punch by starting a situation that ultimately must end in an estrangement, and in the process attempts to gather the target of rage’s (my) friends and family as allies in order to confirm that it’s not his / her fault. The Dr. Jekyll / Mr. Hyde transformation accompanied by the campaign of denigration is usually too much for the target of rage (me) to handle; thus the target of rage (me) retreats; therefore, the BPD’s fears of abandonment come to fruition by all fault of his /her own. The result is an estrangement with the BPD pleading she /he is the victim. The target of rage (me) who went from being idealized to devalued almost instantaneously, is left stunned and puzzled in regard to the Dr. Jekyll / Mr. Hyde transformation.

Even in the absence of my wedding, another situation would have certainly presented itself where my mother would have flipped her lid, and the idealization of me would have instantaneously changed to devaluation. This pattern has presented itself in the 80′s, 90′s, and 2000′s where my mother would flip her lid about petty or minuscule things ending with an estrangement. Her disagreement with my wedding wasn’t the reason for the estrangement– my mother’s reaction to the disagreement that was the reason. Her reaction was one filled with anger, venom, hatred, manipulations, gossip, and lies, which all led to a complete loss of trust. During the Dr. Jekyll times, things were good. During Mr. Hyde times, estrangements occur. Thus, the cycle of BPD.

My Dad: the always critical parent

In contrast, my Dad is a completely different story. My Dad doesn’t cycle through varying behavior, attitudes, or dispositions. He is always a selfish and a highly critical narcissist, who is getting worse as he is getting older and retired. He loves the blame game and guilt trips. He enjoys criticizing, nit-picking, and judging. He’s a prolific gossip and loves manipulating those around him for his gain. He feels like the world revolves around him, loves being the center of attention, and demands a great deal of praise & admiration from others. He takes advantage of those around him and lacks empathy.

Whether not my last straw happened in December 2008 (Holidays Leading to Last Straw), our relationship had been on the downswing for years. In fact, when my husband & I had left from our Thanksgiving 2008 visit, I knew that I would not continue subjecting myself, husband, and now child to this toxic, dysfunctional, and very criticizing experience. Since the early 2000′s, I have left visits with him feeling empty, dejected, and sad. No matter how I set my mind to having a positive experience prior to the gathering, it never failed– I would leave feeling horrible.

Conclusion– How to Handle the Critical Parent

No two parental situations are exactly the same, so what may work in one situation may not be the best in another. However, doing something to improve your situation is imperative when dealing with a critical parent. By simply being conscious of the effects of criticism, you’ll actually begin to negate the effects. Bringing to the surface the impact of criticism can actually help it dissipate and lose the power it has in your life.

Steps to gain control include: doing nothing, communicating your feelings and expectations, setting boundaries, separating yourself from your parent, and estrangement / no-contact. Steps can be completely skipped or passed through quickly depending on the individual situation.

Most importantly, let go of the hope that your critical parent will ever change. Stop looking for approval from the parent. Understand why the parent is like this, but stop looking to them for approval and support you will probably never get. Having a critical parent is not your fault, and you can’t make this critical parent into a kind and approving parent.

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Parenting has been going on since the beginning of humanity, but many parents still feel they must reinvent the wheel over and over again and count on some mysterious instincts they are supposed to have.  Parenting is at first a physical challenge, then slowly; it morphs into a mental challenge.  However it is highly desirable that parents do use child-centred, non-directive play, as a part of their parenting activities.  This requires special Parenting Skill. For many people, parenting their kids is one of the most fulfilling feelings in their life. Parenting skill is all about knowing your parenting personality. This is important as it helps you discover how your personality motivates the way you behave as a parent and how your child’s personality interacts with your own.  As times have changed – parenting has become more refined and several parenting skills and techniques are available to make the process simpler and less stressful. Below is one of the most effective and contemporary parenting skill; that can give you complete parenting satisfaction.

Neuro Linguistic Programming  or NLP was begun by Dr John Grinder and Richard Bandler in the mid 1970′s and Neuro-Linguistic Parenting (NL Parenting) is a parenting skill that takes the essence of NLP and applies it to parenting circumstances. First let us understand what is NPL? NLP is the study of how people know what they think they know and how they do what they do (as opposed to ‘why’ they do what they do).  NLP processes can be used to explore beliefs. NLP explores the relationships between the way we think (Neuro), the way we communicate (Linguistic) and our patterns of behaviour (Programming). Our minds, bodies, emotions, beliefs, knowledge and memories are all present and active simultaneously. NEURO is our “Nervous System” through which experience is received and processed via the five senses. LINGUISTIC is our language and nonverbal communication systems through which neural representations are coded, ordered, and given meaning.  PROGRAMMING is the pattern of manifestation of our neural codes and communication.

NL Parenting is the parenting skill with a main goal of dissemination of the necessary processes and information to assist parents in achieving personal congruence. It is all about generating options from which we can choose, so it is the finest system we have for learning how to relate to children in creative and congruent ways.  NLP in Parenting helps foster better communication between parent and child. 

NL Parenting works quicker with children and adolescents simply because their nervous system is still in the process of integrating those inner messages so they can be helped to delete and replace them quicker. From an NL Parenting perspective the roles of a parent are; to manipulate contexts so that children can learn or play in relative safety and to model or demonstrate exceptional behaviour and congruence. NL Parenting is the parenting skill which provides parents with a framework that helps their children to get along with others and in the process make parenting an enjoyable experience.

We are often taken aback with the way our kids change their behaviour when moving from one stage of their life to another or even within their individual life stages. Our 11 year old child who was dependent on us for all decisions suddenly becomes independent by the time they cross 13. Our infant who was howling a few minutes ago is smiling and giggling away now. Children are experts at changing states. The first step to developing NL Parenting Skill is to understand the state of our child. It is like putting yourself in the shoes of your child and understanding how they think, their needs, what is driving their behaviour (good or bad) and what are their frustrations.

This parenting skill can be achieved by anchoring – which means associating their current state with their beliefs and surrounding. So if your 3 year old knows that by creating a tantrum they will get what they want, you need to understand that creating a tantrum to have their way is the belief that your child has developed. If you put yourself in their shoes, you will be able to point to various instances where they have got a better of you just because you gave into their tantrum. These instances were the key to development and reinforcement of their beliefs. It is very important to remember that even though you feel that creating a tantrum in this instance is bad behaviour – your child definitely sees it as giving them benefits. Hence there is an incongruence of your beliefs versus your child’s.

Knowing their belief and understanding the physical stimulus for the same is the second step to acquiring NL Parenting skill. However, anchoring is not the end of the process. By anchoring you will now be able to identify the beliefs and the physical stimulus that you want to change. So the goal of the first two steps is not to leave the state unchanged, but to find a way to change it that preserves some elements of its benefits. So if your child has created a tantrum to have a chocolate, you can try and negotiate with them to complete their dinner first and then allow them to have a chocolate – such that you get some benefits out of the situation.

The final step of NL Parenting skill is the process of achieving permanent transformation in your child. Here coaching skills play a very vital role. Coaching comes in when a situation arises that displays a gap between, what the environment is asking and what skills the child may lack. Coaching skills give parents the tools to build on their relationship with their child and to create opportunities for courageous conversations. Acquiring the right coaching skills is important as it helps parents to identify their governing values and standards, which establishes the basis of their parenting decisions. It helps to transform your awareness about your child’s behaviour, it energizes your child’s successes, that promote desired behaviour and it identifies & creates qualities that would not have otherwise existed. So in the above example, through coaching parents can create a complete different external stimulus for the child – like say need for healthy teeth – and steer them away from demanding chocolates and creating tantrum for them all the time.

Finally NL Parenting skill doesn’t prescribe any single parenting ideology, but identifies models of parenting excellence and skills and tactics that progress us to more gentle and respectful parenting. It helps you to recognise your parenting strengths, weaknesses and beliefs and allows you to become a true guide and mentor to your child. 

For more tips on parenting refer to my free e-book “New Parenting Style” on http://www.newparentingstyle.com/index.html

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Children don’t come with instruction manuals and parenting doesn’t come with a manual or an infallible guide. Every situation and family is unique. We as individuals are different. There are different parenting styles and variations. To provide training and education that is universal, it has to be based on fundamentals which make us all similar. This would be human psychology, human behavior, and decades of scientific research and studies. Without training or education, we parent with instinct and our personal experiences. Maybe what we learned (consciously and subconsciously) from our parents, family members or others. We parent around our beliefs, morals, and values. Even with training and education in parenting, we need to be naturally adaptive, resourceful, and improvisational. Proper parenting training and education provides a foundation of knowledge which we can build off of, making it easier and more efficient to use our natural parenting instincts and skills.

Parenting is something that cannot be perfected. We can be passionate about it and do the best possible job that we can. It is the most fruitful investment because it is for the benefit of our children and our relationship with our children. When we are passionate about something or are motivated because it’s something that is important to us, we seek knowledge to be as proficient as possible. We educate ourselves by learning from sources which have the best and most comprehensive information on what we are passionate about.

There are many books and programs dealing with all kinds of parenting information and solutions. Some parents look for information on only one parenting topic, such as a certain problem they are having with their child. What they may not know is that a parenting class can provide them with the information and solutions to the problem, as well as a lot of other parenting information and solutions to other problems that may arise. Even further, a parenting class can help them to be an all around skilled parent. It can even help them prevent other problems, saving them valuable time. While it is fine to gain additional knowledge on a certain parenting topics, it is important to have the all around parenting knowledge.

Parenting classes provide an all-around general knowledge of many different aspects of parenting. Parenting classes have to be the best way to acquire comprehensive and all-around knowledge having to do with parenting. The topics and lessons taught in most parenting classes focus on the big picture and the foundation of parenting. Parenting classes are based on scientific research relating to parenting. Parenting classes are designed by this extensive body of knowledge that took decades of studies and research to attain. Of course, people will continue to research this.

There are many theories on the right and wrong ways to parent children, but we have to remember that some theories have been researched and tested by generations of highly educated and skilled scientists and professionals. This body of knowledge is reflected in parenting classes.

It was said that children and parenting your children doesn’t come with a manual, but one of the best “parenting manuals” would be a parenting class. Whether you are a new parent or have been a parent, you can benefit from the information offered in parenting classes.

Some parents are court ordered to take a parenting class, or a co-parenting class in divorce or separation situations. This shows that legal professionals view parenting classes as a good and credible source for parenting education. Whether you have to take a parenting class, or just want to improve your parenting skills, online parenting classes are perfect.

Online parenting classes can be done in the privacy of your own home, at your own pace, at any time of day, and around your schedule. They are very affordable and very convenient. The lessons and topics in these parenting classes are practical, easy to understand, and very educational. You can only gain from the experience.

Our children are more valuable and important than anything else, so any knowledge involving them or raising them should be considered valuable and important. We all want to raise our children to grow into strong, loving, and responsible adults. Good parenting benefits parents and children, and the benefits can last a lifetime. Improving our parenting skills and investing in our children are the best investments that we could ever make.

So, hold good parenting and education as high values,

take a parenting class, spread the word, and

We at parenting resources and reviews selected a few of the best online parenting classes available. For your convenience and general information, we provided overviews of the lessons and topics covered in these parenting classes, and some of the company website’s beneficial features. We also provided reviews of these selected classes. These overviews and reviews will help you make a more informed decision, and help you select the parenting class that is right for you.

Happy parenting!

Parenting Resources and Reviews

http://parentingresourcesandreviews.webs.com/

At the time of divorce, when both the dad and mom are separated, parenting plan performs an essential function in matter of custody of children.

That is in an effort to ensure the right security and security of the kid and also to provide the most effective comfort to the child. Since parenting plan requires an enormous exercise and as it requires each little bit of detail beginning from finances to the well being of kid, there may be positively a necessity to attract out a protected parenting plan both in the interest of parents and likewise in the interest of child.

There are a lot of instances where dad and mom have to discuss and present their parenting plan in custody court or a district court to clarify how youngsters will be given care whereas parents are under separation.

Parenting plan must be authorized by the court

This agreement of parenting plan must be permitted by the court and this additionally safeguards the future of children. During this time, whereas kids are below parenting plan, dad and mom should avoid future conflicts and should follow the guidelines given by the court and must additionally discharge the responsibilities regarding youngsters with utmost care as per the guidelines.

This fashion parenting plan is unquestionably an important supply of assist to folks as well as to the children.

How the parenting plan must be made

There are various varieties, templates and worksheets can be found to element the parenting plan.  Additional there are pattern parenting plans also obtainable for the simple reference and guideline of parents who draw and draft parenting plan.

In case of occurrence of any dispute between the dad and mom, an arbitrator will have the ability to clear up the dispute of parents and an appropriate resolution is taken. A parenting plan will address a number of the important problems with bodily custody, legal custody, little one assist, health care, annual holidays for college, contact address, college capabilities and every other matter in particular related to the care of the children.

Parenting plan is in the interest and safety of children

Parenting plan also refers to medical insurance matters, arbitration, taxes and relatives or guardians for children. For the reason that entire parenting plan is within the curiosity and safety of children, every matter that pertains to the well being and wellness of child can be taken care of whereas drafting the parenting plan.

Every state has its personal laws for parenting plan.  As it is the order of court, the mother and father must abide by the legal guidelines of parenting plan and can’t violate any of the norms stated within the parenting plan.

If a parenting plan must be modified by the parents, a request to that extent hast to be filed with a court searching for a change in a particular area of parenting plan.

Easy methods to view and analyze action of parenting plan

As long as the parenting plan is working within the curiosity of children, there aren’t any points or no problems. Further till the court docket points additional orders, the prevailing parenting plan holds good for the parents and to the children.
The parenting plan is a part of divorce order

The parenting plan is part of divorce order issued by the court and when youngsters are involved there are extra pointers for the dad and mom to present correct care to the child underneath the custody of the court.

Although there are lots of flexible clauses which might be suitably permitted for a change, the permission from the court is at all times required for any change to return into effect. Additional a baby who’s above the age of thirteen can all the time testify in court about parenting plan.

Parenting plan gives many options both for parents and for children

This way, parenting plan affords many choices each for folks and for kids which isn’t solely protected but additionally very effective.

Because the court is the primary guide here for parenting plan, it’s considered that for a lot of good reasons, parenting plan is a definitely a source of assist for the security and security of children.

What are the instruments of parenting plan ?

Though there are a lot of templates accessible for parenting plan, it will be important for both the dad and mom to discuss and draw worksheets and makes an in depth parenting plan. Additional they can additionally get an entry to sample parenting plans which cowl all facets of kids and can allow a greater parenting plan for the advantage of children.
Parenting plan is unquestionably an efficient device for the financial and emotional settlement of kids

As parenting plan covers, medical advantages, insurance coverage, schooling and other provisions for the child, it will be significant for each the dad and mom, to produce the best parenting plan which is the interest of each the parents.

This may undoubtedly give the most effective care to the kids and they will be capable of gain a lot from the effectively drafted and effectively introduced draft of parenting plan.

This way, parenting plan is definitely an efficient tool for the financial and emotional settlement of children.

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Whether we are soon to be parents, new parents or have been parents, we want to do the best job possible at raising our children. Children don’t come with instruction manuals and parenting doesn’t come with a manual or infallible guide. Every situation and family is unique. We as individuals are different. There are different parenting styles and variations. There is varied parenting education and knowledge which we utilize and process differently. We basically parent with instinct, knowledge and wisdom. At first, we usually parent with instinct and our personal experiences. This is usually what we learned (consciously and subconsciously) from our parents, family members or others. We also parent around our beliefs, morals and values. Many new parents and even seasoned parents undergo parenting training and education. This knowledge is a very valuable tool, as it teaches parents how to be effective parents and helps them cultivate their parenting skills. Parenting is a very extensive subject with a vast abundance of information and opinions. Even with proper parenting education, we need to be naturally adaptive, resourceful and I provisional. Good parenting will produce good individuals, who will continue a positive cycle when they are parents.So what does it take to be a good parent? From what I have experienced and learned so far as a child, person and a parent, I created a list of things which I believe to be essential for being a good parent. 
Be dedicated and passionate. Good parenting definitely takes dedication. Dedication and passion comes from the love for our children and drive to put their well being first. Being dedicated takes a lot of sacrifice. As parents, we need to sacrifice a lot of our time and personal lives. When I am dedicated to my child’s life, I know that the sacrifices are priceless investments and for an extremely important cause. I have known many parents who could not sacrifice their pleasures for their purpose. Children tend to view that as selfishness or weakness. These characteristics are learned and absorbed. With this said, it’s important to be our best as individuals and to be good examples as parents.
Practice self discipline. We teach our children to be well behaved and disciplined. We teach them to be honest and trustworthy. We teach them many things to help them be healthy, happy and productive now, and into the future. We use discipline to ensure all of these things and more for our children. If we want our children to be well disciplined, we must be self disciplined. In addition, we should expect the same from ourselves, if not more. We must remember that we can (and often do) lead more by our example than by what we say or instruct. We must practice what we are teaching. I know that when I am peaceful and positive, calm and strong, I am at my best. My children see this. I know that when I am frustrated and negative, out of control and careless, I am at my worst. My children see this. This is how I know self discipline is extremely important in parenting. It is best to control your emotions (especially anger) and learn how to deal with stress.
Discipline your children. Discipline does not only mean punish. Discipline means to teach. It is important to teach them to learn from natural consequences. They will also learn this naturally. I personally prefer to use the word consequence instead of punishment. I found it very important to set fair and logical consequences (punishments). This will keep the child focused on the lesson and make it less likely that they will be distracted or focused on their emotions, anger and resentment.It is also important to set guidelines and expectations enforced by a rewards and consequences system. This can consist of simply rewards and incentives for good behavior, and consequences and corrective action for bad behavior. Make sure to be consistent in your parenting.
Be a good and positive example to your children. Children have many influences. We can be responsible and be an icon of positive influence to our children. It’s important to understand that it is not only what we say that influences. Our vocalization is not the only message we send. Relaying our intended messages can be difficult. Most of the time, people need to make personal changes when they become a parent. They find themselves changing how they react to things or express opinions and feelings.
Always use communication. Be an active listener. This will enable you to be more effective and productive at being a parent and solving problems. This is when children learn and also when parents learn. It’s very reciprocal. I found that my children teach me a lot about my parenting. It should be assertive and constructive communication. You shouldn’t use criticism, contempt, aggressiveness or defensiveness. Passive-aggressiveness is also very counterproductive. Communication should be used for conflict resolution and problem solving. During communication, everyone should express their feelings openly.
Show you children respect and teach them to respect others. Just you showing them respect will automatically teach them to have respect for others. I know that when children are shown disrespect, they can learn to not respect themselves. If they don’t have respect for themselves, it is likely that they will not have respect for others. I’m sure that we can all recall a situation where we were disrespected and lashed out at others because of it. It’s the same for children and they can form habits (good and bad) very easily and quickly. 
Respect your children as individuals. They have their own minds and lives. The will have their own personalities, ideas, and feelings about the world. Always remind yourself that they are individuals, and they are their own person. They are not you and may have different thoughts and actions. Always respect their dignity. We must be very careful not to oppress our children. We should treat them how we would like or expect to be treated.
Instill happiness and self worth in your children. Show them positivity, not negativity. Be careful and thoughtful of your children’s feelings and needs. It’s terrible when parents inflict damage on their children’s psyches. It’s not fair to children. Oppression is wrong. Many children carry these emotional damages well into their adult lives and even spread it to their own children.We need to make our children feel loved, wanted, needed and useful. This will give them a sense of importance and self worth. We equally need to encourage them and teach them to be confident and love themselves. We should always want to lift them up when they are down. We need to be an inspiration to our children.
Do not humiliate your children. We want our children to be proud of themselves. At time, children make mistakes or do things that are not good or shameful. We should still treat them with dignity as we teach them right from wrong. Humiliation and shame are painful emotions for children to deal with. Our main focus in our disciplinary tactics should not be to make them feel ashamed of themselves. This can permanently damage their confidence and self esteem. I like to use privacy and confidentiality when disciplining a shameful act.
Give your children praise. Compliment them. This will encourage them and let them know when they are doing the right thing. It is also important to receive praise well. This will show them how to react to praise. This is simple because we all like to make our children feel good. It makes us feel good. It’s wonderful when all family members are happy together.
Teach your children good values and morals. This goes along with teaching them right from wrong. Teach them the importance of honesty and fairness. These traits can stay with them for life.
Teach your children self control. It’s important that they can express their emotions, but there should be limits and a level of control. This is especially critical to children who act on their emotions. In essence, you are teaching them to control their actions. Teaching them self control will greatly benefit them
throughout life. Teaching patience and control of anger are popular lessons for young children.
Teach your children to be kind, gentle and empathetic. Teach them to be understanding, patient, accepting and tolerant. Teach them about social awareness, social injustice, differences and diversity. Teach them about giving and taking (reciprocation) and the rule of action and reaction. Teach them that what they do as an impact on other people or things.
Instill a sense of purpose, duty and citizenship in your children. This will help them be, and feel like a good member of society. All their lives they will be around other people and have to properly function in a society. We like to see our children to grow up to be helpful and prolific people. It is good to teach children to get along with others and to work as a team at an early age. Recreational and community activities can be great ways to learn these values.
Teach your children responsibility and a good work ethic. Most parents do this by assigning chores to their children. It’s good to hold them accountable for their actions and to make them responsible for things in their life. As children grow, we should give them more responsibility and further their understanding of the importance of having a good work ethic. My children may groan about a certain responsibility they have, but when they complete it, they feel happy and proud. Chores and responsibilities will give them a sense of duty and usefulness.
Teach your children the importance of education and learning. Starting at an early age is ideal. Implement a study time for them, as well as times to read. I started reading to my children regularly when they were very young. It as proven to be very effective in helping them develop a love and an interest for reading and learning. I also set up reading and study times for myself, as this provides a good example. It is also pinnacle to monitor and be aware of what your children are learning and being taught. A quality education is essential and is something every child should have access to.
Teach your children about finances. This goes along with lessons about how the world works. Children are born into a world that has systems already in place. One of the most important and powerful systems is the economic system. Most civilizations were built on money and are controlled by money. I feel that it is very important to educate children about economics and finances. We want our children to know how to control their money and lives so they won’t be controlled by money or those with money and power. I have read many studies regarding children whose parents did not teach them these skills. The studies showed that those children had significantly higher odds of having financial difficulties as adults. When lecturing about basic survival skills, it is necessary to include modern day survival skills.
Teach your children to be skilled decision makers and problem solvers. I encourage my children to make decisions and solve problems on their own. I even use simulation to enhance their skills. If they are unable to solve a problem or need guidance, then I step in and help.
Teach your children to be independent and self sufficient individuals. Most children love to do things by themselves. They are full of zeal to learn and experience. We should always encourage them to do things on their own, as long as it‘s safe and within their capability. We should also instruct them on how to do things on their own. As long as it’s reasonable and completely safe, I tell my children, “Think about it and figure it out” or “Try to do it yourself.” This challenges them and very rewarding when they acknowledge that they did it themselves. It also shows them that you trust them and have faith in them. Children and people alike need to feel that others believe in them. Encourage your children to be free thinkers, think for themselves and not just always believe and think how others think or tell them to think. Encourage them to question things, research for answers, investigate, seek the truth, stay true to themselves and to their beliefs and morals. Also encourage them to always defend and stand up for the truth as well as their beliefs. Individual autonomy is something that should be taught. They should also be encouraged and warned to think about things rationally, realistically, and carefully. This will help them make better choices and decisions in life.
Guide your children well. Give them good guidance to help them live and think in a positive and constructive way. Be careful not to misguide them or misinform them. I always encourage my children to research and investigate to figure things out for themselves. I also encourage them to ask a lot of questions and even question a lot of information. I encourage them to be autonomous (a free thinker).We teach our children to walk, talk and think. We then teach them to restrict movement, words and thoughts. We need to be careful not to prevent or stop our children from developing their minds, curiosities, creativity and passions. Of course we should be reasonable, but we should let them explore and experiment to learn about the world around them. We should let them ask many questions. When we answer, we should answer well and let them form and cultivate their own thoughts and understanding. It’s unfair to deprive them of that.
Encourage your children’s interests, talents and skills. Encourage them to follow their hopes and dreams. Support them in their activities and ambitions. Support them throughout their development and phases, as they are finding their sense of self. Encourage them to set goals and strive to achieve them. Motivate them and help them keep their momentum. I find myself lecturing with what I learned from not doing something more than what I learned from trying something or achieving something.
Be a dependable and reliable parent. Be there for your children no matter what.  Help them when they need it. Never abandon or forsake them. Be in their corner and at their defense. Our children will face a lot of adversity and learn disappointment and disgust from disloyalty and mistrust. It shouldn’t come from us too.Show them stability, as this is greatly needed in their lives.
Spend time (quality and quantity) with your children. Play with them and have fun with them often. Fun parents make happy children. Create fun activities and traditions. We are parents, teachers and authority figures, but we can also be fun friends. Cherish the times that are spent together. This will create memories that will last in the hearts and minds of them and you for life.
Be attentive, vigilant and observant to your children’s lives. If you see problems or potential problems early, they can be more easily corrected. Teach them those skills to use in their own life. Prevention is usually easier than resistance or correction.
Keep your children safe. Provide them a safe environment. Protect them at al costs. There are many dangers and threats, especially when they are young. Be observant and aware of your children’s surroundings. When my children were young, I was often referred to as worrisome. But I always believed in being passionate about my children’s survival and well being. Like the old saying goes, “It’s better to be safe than sorry.”
Teach your children about self preservation. Children develop natural survival instincts, but it is important to explain to them the physical dangers in the world. It’s also important to teach them about the limits and vulnerabilities of their bodies. I taught my children at a young age about their anatomy. I also taught them about unnecessary risks and dangers. Examples of unnecessary risks would be: Riding on motorcycles and all terrain vehicles, and other dangerous/risky activities for thrill only.When children get older, then it’s important to teach self preservation in many forms from keeping themselves alive and healthy to maintaining all aspects of their lives. 
Take your children’s health seriously. Keep a healthy environment for them. Be an advocate for
health. Be weary about what your children eat and drink. Healthy habits are learned as children.Be extra attentive to your children’s physical and mental health. I have had many experiences with physicians and health care professionals either overlooking or misdiagnosing health problems or disorders. We often need to be proactive and research and examine things ourselves. If a health problem is discovered, have it treated with the best course of action. Take it seriously and work diligently to solve and correct the problem. Be thorough and comprehensive. Seek the best health care possible and never procrastinate. With serious health problems, time is of the essence.
Teach your children to love and enjoy life. Teach them to be happy and positive throughout various circumstances. Help them learn to be resilient and persevere through difficult situations. Help them learn how precious life is. Help them learn that it is best to make the most out of life and to enjoy life to the fullest. Teach them to be grateful and appreciative. Help them to possess peace of mind and know how to find and keep happiness and comfort in their own mind. 
Learn from your experiences and the mistakes you make as a parent. Also, learn from the mistakes of others. You can learn the right way to do something from someone who did it wrong. Learning from other people’s experiences and examples can be a great teacher and help you cultivate your parenting skills and ideas. Your children can also be great teachers. Listen to their words and think about their reactions. Be observant and receptive. I once wrote a questionnaire for my children to answer. It pertained to my parenting and how I was doing as a parent in their minds. Some answers were funny and unrealistic. Other answers were very interesting and gave me some good insight. Over all, it was very informative and beneficial.If we are making parenting mistakes, we can make changes now. When we realize a mistake, we should change that way of parenting immediately. We must be assertive while making sure not to make the same mistakes again. We need to take the most important job of parenting seriously, while having a lot of fun at the same time.
Love your children unconditionally. Love them regardless of the mistakes they make or who they become. This comes naturally, but children really need to know it. The first sentence in this paragraph could then be; show your children unconditional love. Tell your children that you love them on a regular basis. Children need to feel love. Tell them that you are proud of them. Make them feel loved and proud of themselves. Tell them that they are great children and people. Make them feel important and needed. Give them lots of hugs and kisses. Make them feel safe and comforted. Let them know that you will always be there for them and that you will always love them.
The order in which I listed these attributes has no significance. Most of us are already doing these things and striving to be the best parents possible. I hope that I provided some good insight into what it takes to be a good parent. I also hope that I provided helpful information to those seeking good parenting advice.Many would say the meaning of life is to reproduce and continue humanity. We produce children who are the continuance and future of humanity. We want the continuance and future of humanity to be bright and positive. Parents have a huge impact on the lives of our children, as well as on humanity.

www.americasbestcompanies.com Funny example of bad parenting. Who else thinks he’s a bad parent? http
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All About Parenting Plans and the New Children’s Act

By Bertus Preller – Family Law Attorney Abrahams and Gross Inc.

Chapter 3 of the New Children’s Act governs both the acquisition and loss of parental responsibilities and rights not only by the parents of the children involved but also in respect of other persons.

Parental responsibilities and rights – Section 18

In terms of Section 18 read a person may have either full or specific parental responsibilities or rights in respect of a child. The parental responsibilities and rights that a person may have in respect of a child, include the responsibility and the right to care for the child, to maintain contact with the child,to act as guardian of the child and to contribute to the maintenance of the child.

A parent or other person who acts as guardian of a child must administer and safeguard the child’s property and property interests, assist or represent the child in administrative, contractual and other legal matters or give or refuse any consent required by law in respect of the child, including consent to the child’s marriage, consent to the child’s adoption, consent to the child’s departure or removal from the Republic, consent to the child’s application for a passport; and consent to the alienation or encumbrance of any immovable property of the child.

Whenever more than one person has guardianship of a child, each one of them is competent, unless any other law or any order of a competent court specifies the contrary, to exercise independently and without the consent of the other any right or responsibility arising from such guardianship. Unless a competent court orders otherwise, the consent of all the persons that have guardianship of a child is necessary in respect of the above paragraph.

Parental responsibilities and rights of mothers – Section 19

The biological mother of a child, whether married or unmarried, has full parental responsibilities and rights in respect of the child. If the biological mother of a child is an unmarried child who does not have guardianship in respect of the child andthe biological father of the child does not have guardianship in respect of the child, the guardian of the child’s biological mother is also the guardian of the child. However, this does not apply in respect of a child who is the subject of a surrogacy agreement.

Parental responsibilities and rights of married fathers – Section 20

The biological father of a child has full parental responsibilities and rights in respect of the child if he is married to the child’s mother orif he was married to the child’s mother at the time of the child’s conception or the time of the child’s birth or any time between the child’s conception and birth.

Parental responsibilities and rights of unmarried fathers – Section 21

The biological father of a child who does not have parental responsibilities and rights in respect of the child in terms of section 20, acquires full parental responsibilities and rights in respect of the childif at the time of the child’s birth he is living with the mother in a permanent life-partnership orif he, regardless of whether he has lived or is living with the mother consents to be identified or successfully applies in terms of section 26 to be identified as the child’s father or pays damages in terms of customary law or contributes or has attempted in good faith to contribute to the child’s upbringing for a reasonable period and contributes or has attempted in good faith to contribute towards expenses in connection with the maintenance of the child for a reasonable period. This does not affect the duty of a father to contribute towards the maintenance of the child in any way.

If there is a dispute between the biological father and the biological mother of a child with regard to the fulfilment by that father of the conditions set out above, the matter must be referred for mediation to a family advocate, social worker, social service professional or other suitably qualified person. Any party to the mediation may have the outcome of the mediation reviewed by a court. This  applies regardless of whether the child was born before or after the commencement of this Act.

Parental responsibilities and rights agreements – Section 22

The mother of a child or other person who has parental responsibilities and rights in respect of a child may enter into an agreement providing for the acquisition of such parental responsibilities and rights in respect of the child as are set out in the agreement, with the biological father of a child who does not have parental responsibilities and rights in respect of the child in terms of either section 20 or 21 or by court order; or any other person having an interest in the care, well-being and development of the child.

It is important to note that subject to the above, the mother or other person who has parental responsibilities and rights in respect of a child may only confer by agreement upon a person mentioned above those parental responsibilities and rights which she or that other person has in respect of the child at the time of the conclusion of such an agreement.

A parental responsibilities and rights agreement must be in the prescribed format

and contain the prescribed particulars. A parental responsibilities and rights agreement takes effect only if it is registered with the family advocate or made an order of the High Court, a divorce court in a divorce matter or the children’s court on application by the parties to the agreement.

Before registering a parental responsibilities and rights agreement or before making a parental responsibilities and rights agreement an order of court, the family advocate or the court concerned must be satisfied that the parental responsibilities and rights agreement is in the best interests of the child.

A parental responsibilities and rights agreement registered by the family advocate may be amended or terminated by the family advocate on application by a person having parental responsibilities and rights in respect of the child, by the child, acting with leave of the court; or in the child’s interest by any other person, acting with leave of the court. A parental responsibilities and rights agreement that was made an order of court may only be amended or terminated on application by a person having parental responsibilities and rights in respect of the child by the child, acting with leave of the court or in the child’s interest by any other person, acting with leave of the court. Only the High Court may confirm, amend or terminate a parental responsibilities and rights agreement that relates to the guardianship of a child.

Assignment of contact and care to an interested person by order of the court – Section 23.

Any person having an interest in the care, well-being or development of a childmay apply to the High Court, a divorce court in divorce matters or the children’s courtfor an order granting to the applicant, on such conditions as the court may deemnecessary contact with the child; or care of the child.

When considering an application contemplated above the court must take into account the best interests of the child, the relationship between the applicant and the child, and any other relevant person and the child, the degree of commitment that the applicant has shown towards the child, the extent to which the applicant has contributed towards expenses in connection with the birth and maintenance of the child, and any other fact that should, in the opinion of the court, be taken into account. If in the course of the court proceedings it is brought to the attention of the court that an application for the adoption of the child has been made by another applicant, the court must request a family advocate, social worker or psychologist to furnish it with a report and recommendations as to what is in the best interests of the

Child, and may suspend the first-mentioned application on any conditions it may determine.

The granting of care or contact to a person in terms of this section does not affect the parental responsibilities and rights that any other person may have in respect of the same child.

Assignment of guardianship by order of court – Section 24

Any person having an interest in the care, well-being and development of achild may apply to the High Court for an order granting guardianship of the child to the applicant.When considering such an application the court musttake into accountthe best interests of the child, the relationship between the applicant and the child, and any other relevantperson and the child; andany other fact that should, in the opinion of the court, be taken into account.In the event of a person applying for guardianship of a child that already has aguardian; the applicant must submit reasons as to why the child’s existing guardian is notsuitable to have guardianship in respect of the child.

Termination, extension, suspension or restriction of parental responsibilities and rights – Section 28

A co-holder of parental responsibilities and rights in respect of the child and any other person having a sufficient interest in the care, protection, well-being or development of the child may apply to the High Court, a divorce court in a divorce matter or a children’s court for an order suspending for a period, or terminating, any or all of the parental responsibilities and rights which a specific person has in respect of a child or extending or circumscribing the exercise by that person of any or all of the parental responsibilities and rights that person has in respect of a child.

An application referred to above may be combined with an application for the assignment of contact and care in respect of the child and may be brought by a co-holder of parental responsibilities and rights in respect of the child, by any other person having a sufficient interest in the care, protection, well-being or development of the child, by the child, acting with leave of the court,in the child’s interest by any other person, acting with leave of the court or by a family advocate or the representative of any interested organ of state.

When considering such application the court must take into accountthe best interests of the child, the relationship between the child and the person whose parental responsibilities and rights are being challenged, the degree of commitment that the person has shown towards the child and any other fact that should, in the opinion of the court, be taken into account.

Court proceedings – Section 29

An application in terms of section 22(4)(b), 23, 24, 26(1)(b) or 28 may bebrought before the High Court, a divorce court in a divorce matter or a children’s court,as the case may be, within whose area of jurisdiction the child concerned is ordinarilyresident.An application in terms of section 24 for guardianship of a child must contain thereasons why the applicant is not applying for the adoption of the child.The court hearing an application may grant theapplication unconditionally or on such conditions as it may determine, or may refuse theapplication, but an application may be granted only if it is in the best interests of thechild.

When considering such an application the court must be guided by the principles set out in Chapter 2 of the Act to the extent that those principles are applicable to the matter before it. The court may for the purposes of the hearing order that a report and recommendations of a family advocate, a social worker or other suitably qualified person must be submitted to the court. A matter specified by the court must be investigated by a person designated by the court, a person specified by the court must appear before it to give or produce evidence orthe applicant or any party opposing the application must pay the costs of any such investigation or appearance.

The court may, subject to section 55 of the Act appoint a legal practitioner to represent the child at the court proceedings and order the parties to the proceedings, or any one of them, or the state if substantial injustice would otherwise result, to pay the costs of such representation.

If it appears to a court in the course of any proceedings before it that a child involved in or affected by those proceedings is in need of care and protection, the court must order that the question whether the child is in need of care and protection be referred to a designated social worker for investigation in terms of section 155(2) of the Act.

Co-holders of parental responsibilities and rights – Section 30

More than one person may hold parental responsibilities and rights in respect

of the same child. When more than one person holds the same parental responsibilities and rights in respect of a child, each of the co-holders may act without the consent of the other co-holder or holders when exercising those responsibilities and rights, except where the Children’s Act, any other law or an order of court provides otherwise.

A co-holder of parental responsibilities and rights may not surrender or transfer those responsibilities and rights to another co-holder or any other person, but may by agreement with that other co-holder or person allow the other co-holder or person to exercise any or all of those responsibilities and rights on his or her behalf.

An agreement in terms of the above paragraph does not divest a co-holder of his or her parental responsibilities and rights and that co-holder remains competent and liable to exercise those responsibilities and rights.

Content of Parenting Plans – Section 33

The Children’s Act does not contain a definition of a parenting plan. Looking at Section 33 (1) one it is obvious that a parenting plan refers to an agreement in which the co-holders of parental responsibilities and rights can make arrangements on the way in which they will govern and exercise their respective rights and responsibilities.

The new children’s act discourages co-holders of parental rights and responsibilities from approaching the court as first resort when they experience difficulties in exercising their rights and responsibilities. The Act instructs co-holders who experience difficulties to mediate before seeking court intervention. The parties are not compelled to enter into a parenting plan. The act simply instructs them to attempt to agree on parenting plan. If one looks at section 33 (2) it seems that if one of the co-holders refuse to engage in discussions about a parenting plan, the court may be approached.

Section 33 (5) instructs parties to seek assistance of a family advocate, social worker or a psychologist, or mediation through a social worker or suitably qualified person in preparing a parenting plan as contemplated in section 33. It is obvious from the wording of section 33 that the co- compelled to seek the assistance of a family advocate, social worker or psychologist, or mediation through a social worker or suitably qualified person. It is therefore quite obvious that a party cannot approach the court unless the matter is referred to mediation as discussed above.

It is important to note that the above deals with instances where the parties experience difficulties in exercising their parental rights and responsibilities. Co-holders who are not experiencing difficulties in exercising their parental rights and who are merely entering into a parental plan need not obtain the assistance of a family advocate, social worker or psychologist or go for mediation. Only when the parties have difficulties in exercising their responsibilities and rights are a statement by a family advocate, social worker or psychologist or mediation required.

Formalities – Section 34

A parenting plan must be in writing and signed by the parties to the agreement; and

may be registered with a family advocate or made an order of court. An application by co-holders contemplated in section 33(1) for the registration of the parenting plan or for it to be made an order of court must be in the prescribed format and contain the prescribed particulars and be accompanied by a copy of the plan.

An application by co-holders contemplated in section 33(2) for the registration of

a parenting plan or for it to be made an order of court must be in the prescribed format and contain the prescribed particulars andbe accompanied by a copy of the plan and a statement by a family advocate, social worker or psychologist contemplated to the effect that the plan was prepared after consultation with such family advocate, social worker or psychologist or a social worker or other appropriate person contemplated in section 33(5)(b) to the effect that the plan was prepared after mediation by such social worker or such person.

A parenting plan registered with a family advocate may be amended or terminated by the family advocate on application by the co-holders of parental responsibilities and rights who are parties to the plan. A parenting plan that was made an order of court may be amended or terminated only by an order of court on application by the co-holders of parental responsibilities and rights who are parties to the plan, by the child, acting with leave of the court or in the child’s interest, by any other person acting with leave of the court.

Refusal of access or refusal to exercise parental responsibilities and rights – Section 35

Any person having care or custody of a child who, contrary to an order of anycourt or to a parental responsibilities and rights agreement that has taken effect ascontemplated in section 22, refuses another person who has access to that child orwho holds parental responsibilities and rights in respect of that child in terms of thatorder or agreement to exercise such access or such responsibilities and rights or whoprevents that person from exercising such access or such responsibilities and rights isguilty of an offence and liable on conviction to a fine or to imprisonment for a period notexceeding one year.

A person having care or custody of a child whereby another person has access

to that child or holds parental responsibilities and rights in respect of that child in terms of an order of any court or a parental responsibilities and rights agreement as must upon any change in his or her residential address forthwith in writing notify such other person of such change. A person who fails to comply is guilty of an offence and liable on conviction to a fine or to imprisonment for a period not exceeding one year.

Compiled by Bertus Preller

www.divorceattorney.co.za

bertus@divorceattorney.co.za

Parents aren’t perfect, we all make mistakes! So what are the 3 biggest mistakes parents of toddlers make? Author, Jen Singer, fills Parents TV Host Juli Auclair in on what the mistakes are and how we can fix them!
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More Parenting Articles

Basics Of Parenting

            Today, the one and the only question that is in the minds of everybody is “where are the youth of this generation going?” as the lifestyle and values of the youth is bothering the society to say the least. Though the  problems created by the youth and the problems faced by them are innumerable, it is not the state of affairs of the youth alone that is causing anxiety. The baby on its way into this world, new born babies and the children in different stages of growth  also face and cause problems. While trying to find the root cause of the problem it is the parents who are blamed for it, most of the time.   Though they are not the sole cause, they have a major role to play.   Their success in parenting depends on the kind of parents they are, their environment, the support from the family, the possibility of getting trained for parent hood, the level of education, the nature of the child concerned etc.,. The problems, mostly psychological, would vanish with proper  parenting.  In the early days, people mostly lived in joint families.  The experience and advice the young parents received from the elders, parents, aunts, grand parents, uncles, guided them in the process of parenting.  The children also had many people to support them, to allow them to vent their feelings and  to learn the probable ways of findings solutions to their problems.

True Story

            While talking to a group of adolescent girls shocking messages came to light.   Many of the adolescent girls were having illicit relationship with auto drivers with whom they were coming to school.   Deeper analysis brought out the fact that these girls were longing for love from their parents.    When an iota of love or something akin to it is shown by the auto driver, they easily fall a prey to the former’s devious designs; of course they suffer later when they find it difficult to extricate themselves from the driver’s clutches.    Only the parents can help these children.    One of the great, noble traits of parenthood is love  and that alone can cure many ills faced by the children and youth. It can help the girls to retrieve themselves1.

            In yet another instance, a 5 years old orphan boy in a care centre for the AIDS infected persons   stunned the onlookers by saying that if his father had had proper parenting, he would not have gone astray and ended with AIDS, infecting his mother too2. Even this small lad knows the importance of parenthood.   Everyone knows about parenting and follow the kind of parenting demonstrated by their parents or that which they have learnt through courses or training or advice given by psychologists or gurus.

Styles of Parenting:

            Just as there are different types of human beings, there are different types of styles of parents.    The parents’ style influences the level and kind of development of the child.    Whatever may be the style of parenting the essentials to be looked into are, “Express your love, make your child feel secure. Build their self-esteem. Stay flexible and recognize the time for change as your child grows. Communicate openly and honestly and be confident  in your own ability”3. When you talk to your child, you should be actually listening not just hearing.

            There are different types of parenting, such as “Authoritative, Authoritarian, Permissive4”.   Parents who are very clear about their role and give instructions with confidence can be considered as Authoritative.   The Reader’s Digest Great Dictionary of the English language shows that authoritative means commanding and self confident, while authoritarian implies, favoring or enforcing strict obedience to authority5.  It is similar to dictatorship.

            Another variety of parenting is known as permissive.  These parents allow their children to follow their own path, mostly non-interfering.   It is similar to saying, “let the sleeping dogs lie” as they are.   These parents do not want to follow any strict rules or take up much responsibility in bringing up their children.   There is another mode of classifying the parents.   According to this classification, there are three types of parents, such as Consultant, Helicopter, Dull Sergeants6.

Three Types of Parents

CONSULTANT

HELICOPTER

DRILL SERGEANT

This Love and Logic parent provides guidance and consultant services for children

This parent hovers over children and rescues them from the hostile world in which they live.

This parent commands and directs the lives of children.

1.

The Love and Logic parent provides messages of personal worth and strength

1.

provides messages of weakness and low personal worth

1.

provides messages of low personal worth and resistance

2.

The Love and Logic parent very seldom mentions responsibilities

2.

makes excuses for the child, but complains about mishandled responsibilities

2.

makes lots of demands and has lots of expectations about responsibility.

3.

The Love and Logic parent demonstrates how to take care of self and be responsible

3.

“takes on” the responsibility of the child

3.

tells the child how he /she should handle responsibility

4.

The Love and Logic parent shares personal feelings about own performance and responsibilities

4.

protects the child from any possible negative feelings

4.

tells the child how he / she should feel

5.

The Love and Logic parent provides and helps child explore alternatives and then allows child to make his / her own decision

5.

makes decisions for the child

5.

provides absolutes : “This is the decision you should make”.

6.

The Love and Logic parent provides “time frames” in which child may complete responsibilities

6.

provides no structure, but complaints, “After all I’ve done for you…”

6.

demands that jobs or responsibilities be done now

7.

The Love and Logic parent models doing a good job, finishing, cleaning up, feeling good about it.

7.

whines and uses guilt : “When are you ever going to learn.   I always have to clean up after you.”

7.

issues orders and threats: “You get that room cleaned up or else…”

8.

The Love and Logic parent often asks self, “Who owns the problem?” helps the child explore solutions to his / her problem

8.

whines and complains about having an irresponsible child who causes “me” much work and responsibility

8.

takes over ownership of the problem using threats and orders to solve the problem

9.

The Love and Logic parent uses lots of actions, but very few words

9.

uses lots of words and actions that rescue or indicate that the child is not capable or responsible

9.

uses lots of harsh words, very few actions

10.

The Love and Logic parent allows child to experience life’s natural consequences and allows them to serve as the teacher

10.

protects child from natural consequences, uses guilt as the teacher

10.

uses punishment; pain and humiliation can serve as the teacher.

Source: http://www.loveandlogic.com/pdfs/threetypes.pdf

One way to identify the kind of parents is by analyzing the kind of gifts they give to their children in order to make them do any specific activity.  Some parents have a survival mentality; they give their child “whatever” just to make them do the job. Some parents operate with a default mentality.    They give their child what is popular without considering whether it will be the most helpful. In actual practice the parent should be operating deliberately and purposefully, giving the child what is useful after carefully thinking through.    They are usually known as “intentional parents” 7.   Depending on what kind or type of parents they are, the goals, and gifts also change.    In the case of permissive parents, the guiding motive will be, “If I can just make it through the child – rearing years, I can get my life back”.   Their goal will be “jilting the kids out of the house”.  They follow the easiest method of doing whatever is easy to do.  Hence, they use bribes, threats and use TV as a baby sitter8.

            On the other hand, those “who want to give the child what will be best and most helpful for him”, will have the goal of preparing the child for life as a productive adult. They would spend quality time with the child, imparting ethical values to the child.  The gifts given by such parents would be, “religious books, enjoyable pastimes, academics, home skills and chances for socialization” 9.

            If a child is to be successful in life, the appropriate parental care is necessary.    But, of course, there are children who grow up into successful adults, in spite of defective parenting.   But such cases are very rare.   The society at present is facing problems of parenting especially in the case of single parent, divorced parents, simple and extended families. Most of the children brought up by single parent and unmarried mothers, find it difficult to cope with the pressures in the family and society.

Parenting Skills:

            With, hectic work schedule of the parents, the heavy load of learning coupled with  many distractions and the problems faced by the society, the children are looking for the support of their parents for a secure life.    It is ordinarily observed that parenting without proper foundation has always and indefinitely led to confusions in  child development.    What is essential is

Ø  Developing and clarifying clear communicative expectations.

Ø  Staying calm in the midst of turmoil

Ø  Encouraging positive consequences and consistency.

Ø  Being the role model to your child.

Ø  Effective praising.10

To be a successful parent discipline is necessary.  At the same time, there should be consistency in whatever the parents are saying and doing, parents should have a preplanned, pre-developed strategy to teach proper behaviour to the child. That is, both the parents,or the single parent should make their expectations clear to the child. , Both of them can sail smoothly while bringing up their child.    They should be very specific and firm in teaching their children. Moreover, the parents must take into consideration the child’s age, ability, developmental status and the resources that are available for the family.11   Once the expectations are clearly stated, it is necessary that both the parents should communicate it to the child, without contradictions.    In addition to these, there should be frequent family ‘get togethers’.  Instead of punishing the child for not abiding by the expectations, it will be better to have discussions to clear the child’s doubts and parents being role models.

            Ray Burke states that “Children can be sarcastic, defiant, rebellious and possibly violent, parents have to prepare themselves for times like these and learn to keep cool” 12.   Yet another way to increase or encourage desirable behavior is to use positive consequences.    What the parents should remember is to use the positive consequences that would work with the child.   While developing a child’s behavior the parents should remember “consistency”.    Consistency is the key to being a successful parent.    This gives the message to the child that “your parents are reliable and serious”.

            The most important aspect of successful parents is that the parents should be role model for their child 13. The parent should be a positive role model for their child to follow.    As Ray Burke say, “Praise is powerful…. Praise is nourishment.   It helps in the emotional development.  It helps in building up self-esteem, belief of personal satisfaction, feeling of security.”14    The praise should be communicated to the child either verbally or through action.

Parenting Skills :

Ø  Discipline

Ø  Education

Ø  Finance

With the social changes,  the extended family that existed earlier, which played the vital role of a model, a shock absorber, a vent for relieving one’s feelings has become a thing of the past.   Hence, the parents of the modern era have to learn creative ways of bringing up their children.   It is found that the most important but controversial parenting skills is DISCIPLINE.   Whether the method is, redirection, time-outs, loss of privileges, grounding, extra chores, or sparking, the parents should embrace their role to train their children to become moral and respectable adults15. The second skill to be acquired by the parents is regarding education.  The parents should also be educating their children in moral values.   The child’s education should take into consideration certain important facts16:

v  Family’s financial status.

v  Quality of local public and private schools.

v  Level of parental education.

v  Personalities of parents and children.

v  Home schooling support and resources.

v  The involvement of the parents in the child’s education.

Besides education, one of the important parenting skills is the effective way of dealing with financial issues.    The demand for expenditure for rearing the child, medical, hygienic needs etc. are soaring high today.     Hence, a successful parent should know what is essential and what is not before deciding upon the expenditure of
the limited resources.

Conclusion

            There is no doubt that children bring us much joy and much responsibility.   Most of the stress and worry of bringing them up can be reduced or removed with proper, careful planning.    The parents should plan when to have a child.   The working mother, if she is to stay at home, once the child is born, should plan earlier to save as much as possible and cut down the family expenditure.   Both the parents have to plan to set aside enough time to be with the child, not only when it is a baby, but till the child becomes an adult.

             The parents, need not be only the problematic, should avail of training in parenting skill as much as possible. First of all, both parents should have a congenial and frank communication between them.   Only then, once the child comes into the family, they will be able to communicate with the child easily.   Further the “ego”, the concept of “I” should be relegated to the background.    It is possible that the child becomes sick at times mildly, at times seriously.    Both the parents should take responsibility of looking after the child, not blaming each other as the cause of sickness.    The child rearing, though filled with difficulties, hurdles and events that test one’s tolerance, is undoubtedly a pleasure.  It is a joy.   A successful parent should know how to smile.    That will reduce the stress and pain of the child.    As it grows into adolescent stage, the skills of the parents should be developed further.    They should know more about the physique, the psychology and mental development of the child.

            It should be remembered that the requisites of  an effective parent are dedication, attention, love and constant denial of easily administering swift punishment. Though parenting is time consuming, the fruits are very attractive.    The future generation and its success depends on the effective, successful and cheerful parents of today to a great extent.

END NOTES

1.       Author’s personal experience

2.       Ibid.

3.       http://www.raisingkids.co.uk 10.14.2008

http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/614981/authoritative_authoritarian_and_permissive.html
The Great Dictionary of English Language (Readers Digest Association Limited, London, 2003) p.56, 57
Three Types of Parents: Love and Logic institute – www.loveandlogic.com 1981.
http://intentionalparents.com/types-of-parents/ p.1
Ibid. p.2.
Ibid.p.2
http://allp

www.timhawkins.net From Tim’s “Full Range of Motion” DVD. To view this video in HIGH RESOLUTION, click on the above link.
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Actually, the “HIM” and the “KIDS” issues can be overcome once you get over the “YOU” issues that you have. You need to resolve your personal issues, your personal hesitations and doubts, and for sure, all the other issues would just go away on their own. Once you know your place and you stand up for what you want and need, the rest would just follow.

Alright, so here are some few tips on how to boost your confidence and kiss those doubts and hesitations behind:

a. Give yourself a confidence boost. Meaning, don’t bring yourself down. Most single mums hesitate on Parents Dating, even dating in general, because they seem to think that dating is not for them anymore. This is really wrong because you deserve as much of a chance to find your soul mate as the next single lady. If anything, you deserve double the chance because of the things that you have endured in life, and the way you have overcome all of the trials. Look into the mirror and gaze at the woman that you are, strong and lovely, and deserving her very own Prince Charming.

b. Remember your strengths. When in doubt remember that you are a strong, courageous, beautiful woman, who up to this point, managed to raise beautiful children single-handed. And we all know that raising kids is not a walk in the park. It requires skill, strength that not a lot of people have. But you have managed to pull it off beautifully. Because of your kids, you have also developed your patience, and your ability to love unconditionally. Because of the things that you have been through, you see life in a different light, by thanking and appreciating all the things that come your way. This would be seen by your Parents Already date. He will see what a wonderful person you are and what a catch you can be. he will see how lucky he is to have you!

c. You are a light to this world, and you would do well to know that. You are an inspiration to your kids, friends, and family for standing up by yourself. You are a light and the man that you choose to share your light with would be one lucky man. Never think otherwise.

So now that your doubts again, all the rest should just follow. You deserve your very own Happy Ending. And if you see Prince Charming in that happy ending, then go find him at a good Dating for Parents website.

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